Bayanda Mzoneli

About Bayanda Mzoneli

Bayanda Mzoneli is a public servant. He writes in his personal capacity.

If you thought this article is about swearing, then clearly you don’t know me that well. I stopped swearing in June 2000. One day I will blog about why I stopped. But since then I never swear. Ever. On the other hand, if you thought this article was about shit, as in faeces, then you’re correct.

Those who find talking about the stool unpleasant rather not read this blog before a meal or they may lose their appetite. They’d rather not read it after a meal neither, for obvious reasons. I’m not sure when they should read it. Go figure.

For the uninitiated, a stool is a more pleasant name for faeces. I learned it from an ex I dated who used to work in a Microbiology Laboratory at a hospital MANY MANY YEARS AGO. In the lab they extract a sample from the feces and put it on small tray. Keep it in the oven for sometime. Take it out. Put it in the microscope and record results of whether you are sick. That’s what I thought too. The idea of cooking shit is not amusing. However, baking shit does not have anything to do with her being an ex.

I know I have used the word stool, shit, faeces and feces interchangeably thus far. This is because all of them refer to the same thing. I know there are many other names in English and others in colourful African languages such as amasimba (in Zulu). But you should say it with the rhythm necessary to make a point of what you’re talking about. When you come to the “mba” part, you should press both your lips against each other (possibly folding them inwards) and release them with pressure as you pronounce the “a”.

The quality of feces is very important. Feces often carry messages about your state of health, in particular the digestive system. Such things as the texture, colour and pressure needed to release it are just some of the determinants of the quality of your feces. That is besides having to take it to the Lab for testing.

For example it is common knowledge that when it is too watery with a very light colour accompanied by too many effortless releases it is an indication that something is not right commonly known as diarrhea (note to black readers, all races also experience this including white people and Indians). We all know how unpleasant diarrhea can sometimes be. Except among black people ( I stand corrected about other races).

When I was young, in all her generous splendour, my mother (God bless her soul) used to serve us a piece of nice chocolate called Brooklax. This chocolate was meant to induce diarrhea to interrupt a healthy me from my routine of pushing broken first brick as my Nissan Skyline or Toyota Cressida. I never had the guts to question her wisdom in inducing diarrhea from a perfectly healthy child. I assume the Einstens in white lab coats have a good reason for making laxative come in chocolate.

Enter my grandmother. She had a more unpleasant way of inducing diarrhea. Enema (For Zulus: ukuchatha, you should pay me for teaching you an English word for it). Even though a part of me continues to believe enema was a treatment for a sickness which healthy kids have, it concerns me that we were often threatened with enema for doing wrong as though it was a form of punishment. Hence I was often confused when my grandmother gave enema unprovoked.

Inducing diarrhea is very important to black people. Especially for black men. Trust me, it has less to do with inherited tradition or wanting sick leave from work. It is about the survival of the human species. I am not saying anything more on that subject. You’d have to visit the hostel near you for further details. I am not about to be a sell out among the brothers.

The point here is that diarrhea is an indication of the instability of the digestive system. As a results, if it visits you uninvited, you make an effort to stop it. Farting becomes suicidal. You may add salt to a can of Coca Cola or 5 spoons of salt and 5 spoons of sugar in 1 litre of lukewarm water or you can just go to the pharmacy and ask for Imoduim as I did the other day when the self-induced diarrhea was overstaying its welcome. (I am not a doctor, this is not a prescription.)

Then you have moments where you apply lots of pressure and nothing comes out. I know it is annoying. You miss a nice show on tv, have to move from your desk in the office, have to excuse yourself in a meeting and so on; but when you get to the white house, nothing comes out. You spend a further 45 seconds without any luck. You give up and leave as you get back to being comfortable, you get the feeling you need to go to the white house again. Constipation is the name of the suffering. Legend has it that it is sometimes caused by eating unripe guavas (pardon me if you’ve never been to a rural area).

You guessed right, self-induced diarrhea by laxative or enema is a cure for constipation. Then Imodium cures diarrhea.

The process of defecating is generally pleasant under optimal conditions. If you eat good healthy food with high fibre, you get good quality shit. You also shit nicely, not too little pressure nor too much pressure. The feces come out with good light brown/tan colour. If it is too dark brown or giving strange colours, it could be indicative of a bad meal you may have had the previous night. The colour usually returns as you return to your regular diet routine.

You also don’t want your feces with small deposits of the original food. How did it pass your entire digestive system untouched.

You also don’t want worms embedding themselves to your good quality feces. That is why I don’t mind the overcooked Eisbein.

In fact any foreign object is undesirable in the good quality feces, be it worms, original food, blood and so on.

Defecating good quality feces is pleasant and gratifying. The smooth version of faces with the correct colour. It has a smooth surface. It smells bad. It has sharper pointed ends (ass-dependent feature). Flushed away at the first flush. Nothing beats defecation.

I once discovered that the rectum actually does have taste buds. It can taste chillies. If you don’t know what I am talking about, thank whoever cooks your food and the supermarket and their wholesalers and the farmers who supply them. It is best you never learn about those taste buds. They are specific to chillies, they don’t taste sugar, salt or other ingredients. This is partially the reason why I don’t eat hot stuff. If you want to starve me, serve me anything that’s hot and I skip that meal.

I pity people who frown at the bad smell of feces. Really now. How else are they supposed to smell? How have yours been smelling for the past ___ years (insert your age). Do you frown everyday you are at the white house. Hypocrite. I’d be very worried if I defecated and it started smelling like Lavender, mint or garlic. It is feces for a reason. If your feces smell like shit, celebrate that you’re healthy. If your feces smell like cucumber, go see a doctor immediately.

Part of the problem with poor quality feces is that some modern ablution facilities can’t handle them. For example the hard one that comes out after a lot of pressure which looks like it has cracks often returns after the first flush. I never spent a lot of time with my biological father (God bless his soul). However, one of the stories I was told about him is that he once attended a party. He used the toilets only to have this one piece return repeatedly after multiple attempts to flush it. As he struggled with shit in the toilet, hot girls were becoming impatient waiting to use the loo after him. You know how inebriated women are. He eventually rolled himself a tissue fished the shit out of the water and threw it out the window. I would have done the same. You don’t want hot girls examining the quality of your feces.

It is evident that lot can be said about feces. The major point I was trying to make here is that good quality shit is very important. You have already spent 8 minutes of your time reading about shit. I know the next time you shit you’ll take a one more glimpse to check the quality before you flush. I know always do. You don’t have to admit it. What hot reader of this blog would want to be associated with shit.

Let us part on an environmental note. I learned, with disappointment, that in this day and age there are people who wipe once with a roll of 11 sheets of 2 ply toilet paper. I am not a tree hugger but that is downright irresponsible. You should wipe the first time, bring forward and fold, then wipe again, bring forward and fold, and wipe; at this point it depends on the amount of feces still stuck on your ass versus the feasibility of one more folding. Besides, you’d never know if the ass is completely wiped clean if you don’t analyze the tissue after each wipe. So let us save the environment while checking the quality of the feces while also verifying that the ass is wiped clean.

I won’t go to the detail of that the toilet paper roll should be mounted to roll clockwise from the rack even though Ndumiso Ngcobo likes it anti-clockwise. He is a Sunday Times columnist who is a former blogger who is a former book author who is a former marketing exec who is former teacher.

You’re welcome to share your bowel tips/experience as comments below.

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